So, absolutely everybody has been blogging about the Zombie Apocalypse (which is real) and what we should be doing about it, but it occurs to me that no one has really discussed how those of us with autistic children are going to navigate the post-Zombie Apocalypse world.

I actually started thinking about this very subject clear back when The Walking Dead television series premiered in 2010, so I’m probably way ahead of the rest of you. Since time is now of essence, I will share with you what I’ve come up with thus far:

• Start deprogramming all of their social skills training now. I know, this one will cut like a knife– all that effort and money down the drain, but it’s do-or-die time. This means a complete reversal of everything they’ve learned up till now: hitting, kicking, and biting (hmm, okay, maybe not biting) are now GOOD. Use a social story if you have to.

• Silence is the new black. No more speech therapy, effective immediately. Use Inside Voice outside. Go back to using PECS if you must. This one will take the most reinforcement of all, so bring out your child’s personal Holy Grail of reinforcers. I have gummy bears à gogo packed and ready for my kids.

• Modify/repurpose stims. Add roundhouse kicks to spinning; change tapping to the Double Tap; have them line up hand grenades instead of toy cars; if they always insist on having identical, equally weighted objects in each hand, swap out the Star Wars action figures for throwing stars or katana swords… and so on.

• Redouble all efforts to curb inappropriate peeing and spitting– body fluids attract the undead like dogs on deer pee.

• Second only to running away, hiding quietly is the new most important life skill. Again, all former training must be unlearned as outlined previously. For sensory-input-seeking children, use weighted ghillie suits to ensure highest probability of survival.

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I feel like I’m leaving something very important out… what am I forgetting? How will you prepare your autistic children for the Zombie Apocalypse? Your urgent attention to this matter is required– it’s spreading westward, you know.