When I take my children to a friend’s home for the first time, I always ask if they’ve done any childproofing. Usually they give me a very confident yes, and say that I should feel totally safe letting my kids roam their house as they can do no harm, nor be harmed. I nod gamely, not wanting to go about checking their work, but then usually 23 seconds later, one son has dumped out a package of shredded cheese onto the kitchen floor while the other has gotten into the toothpaste in the upstairs bathroom.
You see there’s childproofing, and then there’s MY CHILD proofing. Cannon and Carson require a whole other level, as I’ve explained before. People are impressed with the amount of physical deterrents I have in my home, and joke that I should open my own childproofing business. Unfortunately, everything I’ve ever implemented came about after a catastrophe occurred, but I’m intrigued by the possibilities.
Here’s my catalog:
For all your childproofing needs… after the fact.
I’ve divided all products into three categories based on child skill level: Criss Angel, David Copperfield, and Harry Houdini.
Criss Angel: This category is for the kids who have very shrewd minds, but are not tall enough or strong enough to carry out most of their nefarious plots and schemes yet. This is the cheapest category and easiest to implement, because you can actually re-purpose many items already found in your own home. Examples include burying them up to their necks in a kiddie pool filled with gummy bears; strapping an iPhone to their heads so Apple can keep tabs on them; or simply using old therapy items in a new way.
David Copperfield: These products incorporate multiple categories of effects including illusion, transformation, and prediction. These are the kids whose parents find themselves saying, “Oh shit, I thought we were past this stage already!”
Prediction: for the budding escape artists.
Transformation: instant therapy dog for those who wander.
Harry Houdini: For the master escape artists and their desperate parents. These products are a bit on the unconventional side, but are extremely effective. Examples include door handle covers made from artisan-crafted saw blades; energy-efficient electric fences topped with upcycled razor wire; and museum-grade laser beam systems complete with dropping cages which have received a rating of “humane” by Temple Grandin.*
Don’t touch my smart phone!
Shipping comes in three speeds: Expedited ($25), Right Now ($50), and I Needed This Yesterday! ($100).
Who knows, if this venture actually takes off, I may eventually be able to fund my Extreme Privacy: Backyard Edition landscaping business.
Like this, only without the doorway.
*Not really.
I have a 3 year old w/a dx. I have a photo of him smiling a ridiculously happy smile while siiting on his Am-Tryke utterly naked (there was a sudden quiet in my house and I sprinted from door to door to see which of the “out of reach” locks had been undone, prayed thanks to God it was the backyard door this time).The hope he’d figure out how to make that “tryke” move died the lonely death of so many attempts to give him SOMETHING to do. I learned quickly that I had zero time to “celebrate the tragically short life of flashcards/library books/electronics/indoor plumbing”. The 47 seconds I spend each month outside of dealing with a catastrophe or appointment I devote entirely to locking myself in the bathroom alone. My alone time has numbered days though. Lately he’s been standing outside the door jiggling the knob while his 2 year old sister encourages him by squealing “GOOOO YOB BUBBY”.
Just found your site. This is hysterical. My son isn’t on the Autism Spectrum (at least, we haven’t recieved an acronym describing him yet, but we are seeing a new doc tomorrow). I would totally order your Houdini level safety features. By the time my son was one, he had ripped the fridge lock off, broken the oven lock that we installed to avoid burns while he did chin-ups on the oven handle, and could shoulder-blast his way through safety gates into his older sister’s room. Have you invented a scissors lock? We have holes in our couch (to see what makes the cushion fluffy of course) and in the pillows (to see if they have the same fluff as the couch). We, too, are usually one step behind.
Oh, and I must apologize for writing about my son also being a velociraptor long after your post about your little velociraptors. I had never seen that blog post before! And I thought I was so original…sorry!
Great minds think alike!
Do you know how fucking seriously I want that house? I have actually planted arborvitae in the hopes of growing it higher than The Boy will ever throw. (and to prevent ever seeing my neighbor’s house again…)
I am squirreling away my pennies, saving up for the arborvitae of my fantasies…seriously. I dream of a backyard where my children can pee and frolic naked, beyond the prying eyes of our neighbors in this densely packed, subdivided exurbia of ours.
We currently employ the Gallagher products at our house. Plastic tarps for furniture, hard wood flooring, rain coats passed out at the door for visitors. There’s also a lot of hysterical laughing, but it’s done by me. I honestly can’t remember the maker of the products, but perhaps you could incorporate some kind of cheaper knockoff. Food for thought (because it’s way more fun than eating it).
You are my people.
I enjoy your candor in this post. We had thought we were so crafty and smart at first but the reality was… We always are adapting. In the process of learning there are laptops replaced, new latching and locking systems devised, and safety measures that change weekly.
I find myself chuckling silently (and I know that’s not nice) when I hear of friends with their first child experiencing their kiddo dropping a cell phone in the toilet, or an iPad in the bathtub.
Many of the devices we’ve purchased broke, some were broken by grown-ups who didn’t remember that the fridge has special locks on the doors, or they tugged just hard enough to break the absurdly expensive magnet tot locks.
I hope you do venture into this endeavor of childproofing. I think it would be an excellent resource!
Cheers!
Thanks, and yes, we’ve spent a fortune on the damned tot locks! Finally took the plunge this year and screwed them into the wood cabinets versus the stick-on versions prior to that. What a difference!
Clever! Now I know who Criss Angel is!!!! (Embarrassing?)
Naw, he’s the entry level magician. I’ve probably put him on the map with this post.
love this!
Thanks, Jessi!