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When I take my children to a friend’s home for the first time, I always ask if they’ve done any childproofing. Usually they give me a very confident yes, and say that I should feel totally safe letting my kids roam their house as they can do no harm, nor be harmed. I nod gamely, not wanting to go about checking their work, but then usually 23 seconds later, one son has dumped out a package of shredded cheese onto the kitchen floor while the other has gotten into the toothpaste in the upstairs bathroom.

You see there’s childproofing, and then there’s MY CHILD proofing. Cannon and Carson require a whole other level, as I’ve explained before. People are impressed with the amount of physical deterrents I have in my home, and joke that I should open my own childproofing business. Unfortunately, everything I’ve ever implemented came about after a catastrophe occurred, but I’m intrigued by the possibilities.

Here’s my catalog:

For all your childproofing needs... after the fact.

For all your childproofing needs… after the fact.

I’ve divided all products into three categories based on child skill level: Criss Angel, David Copperfield, and Harry Houdini.

Criss Angel: This category is for the kids who have very shrewd minds, but are not tall enough or strong enough to carry out most of their nefarious plots and schemes yet. This is the cheapest category and easiest to implement, because you can actually re-purpose many items already found in your own home. Examples include burying them up to their necks in a kiddie pool filled with gummy bears; strapping an iPhone to their heads so Apple can keep tabs on them; or simply using old therapy items in a new way.

better than a duffel bag

David Copperfield: These products incorporate multiple categories of effects including illusion, transformation, and prediction. These are the kids whose parents find themselves saying, “Oh shit, I thought we were past this stage already!”

Prediction: for the budding escape artists

Prediction: for the budding escape artists.

Transformation: instant therapy dog for those who wander.

Harry Houdini: For the master escape artists and their desperate parents. These products are a bit on the unconventional side, but are extremely effective. Examples include door handle covers made from artisan-crafted saw blades; energy-efficient electric fences topped with upcycled razor wire; and museum-grade laser beam systems complete with dropping cages which have received a rating of “humane” by Temple Grandin.*

System Kids Toy Playset

Don’t touch my smart phone!

Shipping comes in three speeds: Expedited ($25), Right Now ($50), and I Needed This Yesterday! ($100).

Who knows, if this venture actually takes off, I may eventually be able to fund my Extreme Privacy: Backyard Edition landscaping business.

Like this, only without the doorway.

Like this, only without the doorway.

*Not really.

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